Sunday, May 17, 2009

Protect me from what I want...

Again I say, I never blog.... but some things are just too big for my brain to hold and they have to get out... In my previous blog about relationships, you can see that no matter how in love I may be, I must not know how to be HAPPY and just live there... Im the type to overanalyze EVERYTHING and when you are the kind of person who has so many emotions about everything as it is, its really hard to know if the decisions that are being made are emotionally driven or if they are what really is logically best for me. That being said, I'm at a crossroads, do I stay where I am, and be happy with most of the situation, or do I take a deep breath and try to make myself a better woman for myself, my child and my potential future husband? The bible says that you must be one whole stable individual before you even think about being in a union with another person and I'm trying to work toward that goal... I refuse to be content with mediocrity, I know I was created for more than that but I cant focus on the fundamentals and juggle the luxuries as well... maybe Im trying to punish myself for being out of order and doing things outside of God's will, maybe I selfishly just want to do me for a minute, maybe Im afraid to allow this seedling to turn into a gorgeous garden of flowers... I dont know, but my heart is heavy and my head is spinning...